20

Chapter 20

In the years after I moved in with my grandparents, I thought about my mother from time to time. As a child, I hadn’t really felt her absence much, as I’d found normalcy in my situation. Since I didn’t attend school or interact much with other children my age, I never really knew a lot about how other families were structured. Or what a traditional family was supposed to be.

But moving in with my grandparents, attending school and watching television opened my eyes to what the world viewed as ‘normal.’ It’s funny how a somewhat happy and fulfilled person can begin to miss things they never even had. Now looking back, I sometimes feel bad that even though my grandparents were trying their hardest to make me happy, I still longed for the type of family I could never have.

My biological father lived abroad and made it clear that he didn’t want anything to do with me. And as he was estranged from his parents, even though I lived with them, I rarely saw or heard from him. When I first moved in with my grandparents, I’d sneak around and look at old photos of him, trying to figure out what biological traits I’d inherited from him. And whenever I thought we had a similar nose or mouth, I was first elated, then stung by the obvious rejection. I did end up meeting him twice in my life and both times, he treated me like a stranger. But both times, I was surprised that I wasn’t as hurt as one would expect. Perhaps, somewhere in my heart, I always knew I’d never have a relationship with him.

Nonetheless, there were days I’d lie on my bed and daydream of a family composed of just three of us, living and loving together. However, that image was no where in my mind the day I saw my mother.

It had been years since I’d seen her and on that day, was on a date with my girlfriend, taking a stroll under the evening sun. We were holding hands, laughing and talking as we argued about what to have for dinner when I spotted her walking towards me from the other end of the sidewalk.

I’d also thought that I’d long forgotten what she looked like, and in fact, had failed many times to recall her face. But that day, there was no mistaking that the pleasantly plump woman walking hand in hand with what appeared to be an eight or nine year old boy was the woman who’d given me up.

Her face had softened with age but those lips and eyes were unmistakable and so like my grandma’s. Not to speak of nose that was just like mine. Even though her hair was a lot shorter, she still had that walk – that walk I saw whenever she'd turned around to leave me. It was definitely her - somehow the same and yet different. And the difference wasn't entirely from the looser skin and unexpected fullness of her face. No. As she walked and spoke to the boy, her eyes relayed an emotion I’d never seen there before.

It was a look I'd seen on my grandparent’s faces, one I’d seen on my grandmother’s face. Heck, I’d even seen it on my girlfriend’s face. But on my mother’s? Never. Not till the day I saw her looking at her little son.

Over the years, I’d found solace in believing that my mother just wasn’t a loving person. She could leave me because she wasn’t sentimental like that. She could get married and have another family without me because it just made more sense that way - it was the most practical thing. “She just wasn’t the type to love,” I’d made myself believe for several years. But as I watched her speak lovingly to that child, I knew I'd been wrong.

I watched her in dismay as I wondered why should couldn't love me.

I hadn’t realized that I’d stopped walking and was openly staring at her till my girlfriend tugged my arm and asked me if I was okay. I came back to my senses, looked at her and reassured her that I was.

When I resumed walking, I noticed my heart beating faster and faster as my mother and I got closer. "Why don't you love me too?" I wanted to scream but I couldn't because craving her love was something I'd never even admitted to myself, talk less of others. Besides, the emotions I was feeling on that day were far too overwhelming for me to work through so quickly.

I tried my best to act normal, laughing and pretending to listen to whatever my girlfriend was talking about but the whole time, all I could see was this stranger I suddenly hated, the one who'd abandoned me, walking towards us.

As we inched closer and closer, I began to wonder if she’d recognize me, and if she did what she’d say. Would she hug me and tell me she’d missed me? Would she ask me if I was doing alright? Would she ignore me and pretend not to know me? As we kept walking, I silently prayed that whatever it was, I'd be able to handle it.

As I kept walking, thinking of a hundred and one different scenarios she would speak to me, she walked by us without a visible flinch.

That was the last time I saw my mother.



***

“I’m just confirming that you’re coming over for dinner on Friday,” Ji Won’s mother said from the other end of the line.

“Umma, I already told you that I can’t make it,” Ji Won said as she pulled out the large envelope from her bag and put it on the table.

“Why not? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Umma, I don’t want you to fix me up with anyone.”

“Who said I’m fixing you up with anyone? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you and I just miss you.”

Yeah, right. They both knew there was more to it than that. “So is it just going to be me, you and Eun Hee?

Instead of a response, all she got from the phone was dead air, confirming what she knew.

“See what I mean?” Other than the fact that her mother kept mentioning supposedly successful sons of her random friends during their conversations, her sister had already told her that her mother had gone into high gear, trying to play matchmaker to her and her would-be son-in-law.

Ji Won quickly sat up straight when she saw Shin walking into the restaurant. He spoke to the hostess then looked around the room. It was show time. “Umma, I have a meeting so I have to hang up now.”

“Alright. See you on Friday.”

She sighed. “I won’t be there. Bye.”

Adrenaline pumping, Ji Won took a deep breath in and watched the hostess lead Shin to her table. What she was about to do had been a long time coming and she was already excited about what her life would be like once it was over with.

Shin smiled widely as he walked over and pulled out his chair. “I see you’re early.”

“Yeah,” she said before looking away. Okay, so the dumbass had a great smile but that didn’t mean he had the right to be all weird, odd and confusing. Not to speak of being a conman who made the most inappropriate and annoying jokes. And to think that she’d fallen for him at some point. But then again, she fell for the alter ego and not the real man. The guy she wrote to was cute, sweet and smart. She didn't even want to describe that guy who was smiling back at her. She sighed. Yes, it was time to let go.

“I was quite surprised by your call,” he said, sitting across from her.

She shrugged.

“You must have sped through the most recent draft – it’s not even a week yet, is it?” He gestured for the waitress to come over and take their orders.

She smiled as professionally as she could as she handed him the envelope. “The earlier, the better, right?”

He nodded, looking unsure of the situation. “Right.”

She inhaled then dove into the reason she’d made the call. “I think it’s in pretty good shape so all that’s left are the final edits.”

“Great,” Shin said, picking up the envelope and peeking into it. “It’ll take a few days to read through. But I must say, reading about my own life over and over is beginning to get rather tedious,” he joked. “How about we meet next Wednesday to begin the final phase?”

The waitress came over to get their orders but Ji Won informed her that she wouldn’t be staying long.

“Oh, you’re leaving soon?” he asked, placing the envelope in his bag. “Stay for dinner.” Now that the professional portion of the evening was over, there were some things he wanted to say.

“No,” she said firmly. “Well,” she said, sitting up straight, “I guess this is good bye.”

“Alright," he said, not hiding his disappointment, "I guess you’re busy. But is Wednesday okay?”

She shook her head. “I won’t be doing the final edits.”

“What? I thought it was already settled that you’re my one and only editor.” And other than that, he still had so many things to say to her. Like how he was so very sorry for what he’d said the last time they met. The stupid joke hadn’t gone down the way he had intended, and in the past week, as he recalled that night, he was baffled that at some point, he had thought there was a positive way it could go down. He’d been kicking himself for a week and needed her to not to be upset with him..

He ran his fingers through his hair and turned his face away to hide his embarrassment. “If this is about—”

“It’s best Ms. Kim does the final edits,” Ji Won interrupted. “It’ll be much better for your book and I’m sure most people would agree as she’s more experienced than I am.” She stood up then stretched out her hand. “It’s been nice working with you,” she said firmly.

Seeing the determination in her eyes, Shin knew that she wasn’t going to change her mind. This time, he’d really screwed up and she wasn’t going to give him another chance. Standing up, he reluctantly took her hand. Was this the end? “Likewise," was all he could say.

***

As Ji Won walked away, she slowly felt the weight lifting off her shoulders. She was done with him. DONE. As she remembered everything that had happened between them, from Aruba to that very moment, she concluded that her ex, Joon Young, was all to blame. If his selfish ass hadn’t left her at the altar, would she have been in that predicament? If she wasn’t so insecure about her ability to find a man who loved her, would she have fallen for an imaginary man she thought was in rehab of all places? Writing all those stupid notes at the end of each chapter and reading his over and over again like a love sick middle schooler. Imagining living in a field full of cup cakes, skipping around and singing love songs with him by her side. She’d truly lost her mind and was going to kick Joon Young’s ass the next time she saw him. But all in all, she was glad that that chapter of her life was finally over. And even though he’d been a big part of her life for a few months, it would be easy to move on. Right?